Lez-pard Spots: How to Spot a Lesbian

For Siera; hope you find that lucky lesbian & get locked down, or something…

I had originally written this for another blog project, but I figure that the casual quality of the blog-side of my website could use more light posts such as this. I’m even going to tag it. So let the vitriol roll in! This post is for Siera, and no criticism can stifle that!

Also, there were pretty pictures, but f*** ’em! Pretty ladies like yerselfneed no pretty pictures! (a-wink)

You have a particular type. It’s girls. Okay, you’re gay; you’re a girl into girls. Great, so what? You don’t live in the city, nor does your town have a gay bar or café bookstore. Or you do and just don’t know how to use those balls in your visage. What’s a girl to do?

I’ve been there — not really but it makes you feel better right? Not that I care.

That’s when I learned that the library is always open. No I didn’t meet her at the library, yet, but I learned to read more. In the tradition of Paris Is Burning, bien sûr.

Reading is recognizing symbols, characters that hold reference and together mean something greater. That’s what this shit is all about: meaning something (whatever that would be). Here, I’ll list the symbols that together mean lesbian.

If you’re reading this, you probably don’t drive a Lezbaru.

You don’t really do group activities like softball, cross country or motorcycling, and you don’t have a puppy kennel or dog rescue clinic in Maine.

This list of contingent markers of the lesbian look, gathered from personal experience, that of others, and observation of representation in popular American culture should help you change your fortunes.

Be brave. Compliment her. Be confident. Ask her out.

However, don’t be too attached to the outcome, no matter what it is, good or bad. Though if I’ve learned anything from dating, it’s this: it’ll suck.

What she looks like:

  • Hair like Skrillex
  • Crew cut
  • Fauxhawk
  • Sleeve tattoos
  • Neck tattoos

What she’s wearing

  • Plaid fabrics
  • Flannel
  • Corduroy
  • Sports caps worn backwards
  • Tims (tan Timberlands boots)
  • Doc Martins (boots, often black)
  • Purple lipstick (w/o being black
  • Basketball shorts
  • Jean shorts
  • Button ups
  • Lace chokers (while older than thirteen)

Lastly, but definitely not leastly…

A Love of:

  • Lady Gaga
  • Lifetime
  • Logo; and,
  • Real Housewives
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